


The Great Culinary Mystery

by anonymous_moose



Series: Sizzle It Up! with Taako and Co. [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Cooking Lessons, Gen, Mentor/Protégé, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 17:25:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8902402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymous_moose/pseuds/anonymous_moose
Summary: Taako is an idiot-genius. Angus perseveres despite himself. Magnus doesn't get to have any fun. A lesson is learned, but at what cost? (Like thirty gold pieces, probably.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a chef. I can barely follow a recipe. This is the best I could do. I apologize in advance to the culinary-inclined.

"Hello, sir! It's cooking day!" Angus raised his arms joyfully. "It's cooking day!"

Taako sighed, loud and exaggerated, and closed the door behind Angus. "It sure is, pumpkin."

The cafeteria was quiet and empty in the hour after dinner. Most everyone had retired to their dorms or one of the common rooms, and the few stragglers still walking around the campus outside weren't paying much attention. Taako had managed to keep these particular lessons a secret from the rest of the Bureau for the last week or so, but that wouldn't last forever. If nothing else, Magnus and Merle were going to notice their shared kitchen filling up with supplies from Fantasy Costco—largely because there were too many now for Taako to cast Invisibility on.

Angus took off his ever-present cap and hung it on one of the coat hangers by the side door with a tiny Mage Hand. It was sort of adorable, if you were the type to think children could be adorable. Taako was not.

"C'mon, step it up, boychik, we haven't got all night!"

"Yes, sir!" Angus ran towards the back of the kitchen, grabbed a small, wooden, very literal apple crate, and placed it by the counter before Taako had even taken off his cloak. He jumped on top of it and waited patiently for his teacher to begin the lesson.

Taako wasn't in the habit of letting other people dictate his pace. So while he encouraged Angus to hurry, he took his sweet time hanging up his hat and umbrella. Then, after he'd crossed the cafeteria, he began carefully unloading the bag of goodies he'd brought. This was the most expensive grocery haul yet, and it cost him a fair bit of his weekly stipend. He'd have to figure out some way to get Magnus or Merle to pay for the next one, preferably without their knowledge.

"I've got something special in mind, tonight, Agnes," Taako said, placing several cans of various foodstuffs on the counter.

"What is it, sir?" Angus asked eagerly.

"Well, so far you've done okay at the basics. The hows and wherefores, mise en place, that kind of thing." Taako pulled out a bottle of cooking wine and set it down next to the cans. "We've cooked from the books a few times. You can follow instructions alright."

"Thank you, sir! That really means a lo—"

"But that doesn't make you a chef."

"—oh."

Taako shook his head and pulled out bags of various dried fruits, grains, confectioner's sugar, and some spice jars. "Nope, that just means you're not useless in a kitchen. A chef doesn't take orders from a cookbook. He don't need no recipe! A chef makes his own recipes!"

"So..."

"So I'm going for a walk!"

Angus blinked. "Sorry?"

Taako rolled up the paper bag he'd brought the groceries in and with a flick of his wrist, it went up like flash paper. "This is a better kitchen than you'll find most anywhere, and I've brought some extra ingredients to make up for the shameful gaps in the Bureau's pantry. You have everything any chef could want!"

Angus examined the ingredients on the counter, stroking his chin with his index finger, then he looked up. "But... what do I make?"

"That's up to you, bubeleh," Taako said, pointing finger guns at Angus. "Surprise me! Also impress. Surprise and impress me!"

"Uh—" Angus stopped short as Taako spun around on his heel and walked back towards the door they'd just come through. "H—How long do I have?"

"Until I get tired or bored," he said, throwing his cloak back around his shoulders. "I'll come in and check on you in twenty minutes or so. And if anyone sees you, this was all your idea, remember?"

"Yeah... right."

Taako put on his hat and picked up his umbrella. He turned and saw Angus looking nervously around the kitchen. He'd been given all the paints and brushes he could ask for, and had the biggest canvas possible to work on.

Truly, Taako was a genius. Angus was lucky to have a teacher as brilliant as he was.

"Toodles!" he said as he closed the door behind him.

* * *

 

Taako's walk around the campus had been very refreshing. He'd done a couple circuits, taking in the view from underneath his umbrella as the sun set and the alchemical lampposts hummed to life. The Bureau had moved a fair bit southward the last few days, and it was the rainy season. This high up, that translated into misty fog and light showers. It gave the quad an ethereal, dreamlike quality that he couldn't help but stop and admire.

By the time Taako headed back, he figured at least half an hour had passed. Plenty of time for his protege to have something percolating. He opened the door to the cafeteria and slid in on wet boots.

"How's it comin', my dude?" Taako called, shaking out his umbrella.

Angus was at the sink, and nearly spun on his heel on top of his apple crate. He had a big wooden spoon caked with something in his hands. "It's just fine, sir! I, uh. I think."

"Got anything cookin' yet?" he asked, eyeing the spoon.

Angus nodded quickly. "Yes! In the oven!"

"How long?"

"Um." Angus turned and looked at the clock on the wall. "Only a few more minutes, sir!"

"Alright then, clean up and get some plates ready. I'll be outside, m'kay?"

"Yes, sir!"

Taako stepped outside and shut the door behind him. The kid had acted pretty fast, which was good. Or... maybe it was bad. Maybe he should have taken longer? Or would that have been worse?

"Jeezy creezy," Taako muttered to himself as he leaned against the dome. "Teaching's a tough gig."

While he waited for Angus to finish up, Taako took out a notebook from a pocket in his tunic. He opened it and considered its contents. Whenever he had a free moment (in between all the adventuring and general lazing about that really filled up his schedule) he liked to poke at this recipe he'd been working on for years. He felt like he was close to something transcendent, something never seen before, if only he could put it all together... but there was always something missing.

"Cheese..." Taako mumbled to himself, tapping at the pad with a painted nail. "But how? And where does the sour cream fit in?"

The door next to him opened, and Angus stuck his head out. "It's all ready, sir!"

Taako shrugged and stuck the notebook back in his pocket. He'd figure it out eventually.

As soon as he entered the cafeteria, he smelled a familiar scent. "Angus, is that—"

"Macaroons, sir!" Angus said, rushing over to the table he'd set the cookie sheet on. "I think they came out great!"

"Angus, that wasn't—" Taako sighed and rubbed his forehead. "The point was to make something new, not something you already made."

"It's not exactly the same!" Angus said quickly, clearly anticipating this line of questioning. "I used sugar this time! And extra almonds!"

Taako just barely managed to hold his tongue, but not the look of disappointment on his face. Before Angus could begin to get upset, he said, "Okay, fine, fine, let me have one."

Angus picked one up, and immediately dropped it with a yelp. He shook out his fingers and then stuck them in his mouth. Taako rolled his eyes and with a wave, a spectral blue hand picked up a macaroon and floated it over to his mouth. He took a small, careful bite. Yeah, it had sugar in it this time, but it was otherwise identical to the macaroons Angus had made him weeks ago.

"It's fine," said Taako as the blue hand set the macaroon back on the sheet. "I mean, you clearly know how to make a macaroon. If this were a lesson about cooking macaroons, you'd have scored pretty high."

Angus wrung his hands together and looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry, sir. I just got really overwhelmed and... well, I went with what I know..."

Taako took a seat on the bench seat, leaning his elbow on the table. "It's okay, kiddo. Everyone goes through the same thing when they're learning how to cook."

The boy looked up hopefully. "Really?"

"Except for me, of course."

His face fell. "Oh."

"Yeah," Taako said, checking his nails. "Never had that problem once in my life. Of course, when I was your age, I—"

And then, like a big, ugly ogre fist, it hit him.

Taako was an idiot.

His eyes widened and he stood suddenly, startling Angus. "This has been a big waste of time."

"What?" Angus asked, shocked and saddened.

"Forget it," said Taako, moving to the counter where the supplies he'd brought remained largely untouched. "Call this whole night a wash."

"S-sir, I don't—"

"You clean on up here, kiddo," Taako said, gathering up what he could in his arms. "Come on down tomorrow night. My digs."

"Yours? But I thought—"

"Stop thinking!" Taako said, rushing by the boy and heading for the door. "No more thinking. Tomorrow night. See you then!"

Taako rushed out into the night and made straight for the private elevator to the Reclaimers suite. He didn't look back. He was far too preoccupied thinking about tomorrow night, and if he didn't immediately devote himself fully to this new flash of inspiration, he'd be up all night trying to catch it again.

* * *

 

There was a knock at the door, and Taako let Magnus answer it. He heard their exchange from where he was working in the kitchen.

"Oh! Hey, Ango! What's up?"

"Hello, sir," Angus said, a little nervous. Taako realized he'd only been down here once for Candlenights. They didn't exactly entertain a lot of guests. "Taako told me to come here. After dinner?"

"He did? What for?"

"Uh, I'm... not sure I'm supposed to say."

"It's cool, Agnes!" Taako stepped out into sight, dusting off his hands. "These clowns were gonna find out eventually."

"Find out what?" Magnus asked.

Angus exhaled, and clearly couldn't help the smile that lit up his face. "Taako's teaching me how to cook!"

"He is?" Magnus asked, eyebrows shooting up his big forehead. He turned to Taako. "You are?"

"Of course," said Taako, leaning one hand on the kitchen island and crossing his feet.

Magnus looked back and forth between them as Angus entered the suite. "But... you never cook. All you do is whine and complain about the free food we get three times a day. That's, like, your whole deal."

"What, I don't get to have an opinion about the glorified Soylent slop they feed us?"

"And since when are you hanging around with Ango? I thought you couldn't stand the kid."

"I'm standing right here," Angus said.

"I know!" Magnus said cheerfully.

Taako attempted to wave it off. "Listen, it's a boring story—"

"He's teaching me magic, too!"

Magnus' eyes grew even wider, if that was possible. Then his brow furrowed into something between disbelief and concern. "Are you feeling alright, Taako?" he asked, stepping forward to touch his forehead. Taako swatted his hand away with a scowl.

Angus, however, could not look more excited. He bounced on the balls of his feet and wrung his little hands together, grinning like it was Candlenights morning as he glanced around the kitchen. It was sort of adorable, if you were the type to think children could be adorable.

"When do we start, sir?" he asked.

"Just as soon as we get a little space to work, pumpkin," Taako said, lifting one foot and placing it on Magnus' midsection. With a firm kick, he shoved the big dope back out into the living room. "Go carve a duck or something."

"Alright, alright," Magnus said, walking around the living room side of the counter. "I know when I'm not wanted."

"That's a first," Taako muttered. Then he turned to Angus. "Alright, kiddo, you remember our last lesson?"

"Like it was yesterday, sir," Angus said. "Because it... literally was yesterday."

"Well, that was a terrible lesson."

"It was?"

Taako pushed away from the counter and began to walk around the small kitchen island. "I told you everyone gets overwhelmed in the kitchen sometimes, and then I said that was never true for me when I was your age."

"Again, it was literally twenty four hours ago, sir."

Taako turned and stared at Angus. Angus smiled apologetically.

"You gonna step on my monologues all night, or—?"

"No, sir. Please continue."

Taako held his stare for a moment longer, then turned back. He got down on his haunches and opened one of the bottom cabinets.

"See, when I was your age, I didn't have my own kitchen," Taako explained, reaching in and finishing what he'd been working on. "I had somebody else's. And then, when I was out on my own, I didn't even have that."

"That sounds very hard, sir."

"Oh, yeah, real difficult. But that's how it is, sometimes, y'know? You don't always have everything you need."

Taako finished, and pulled out a large tray from the cabinet. He stood, and with a quick tooch, shut the door of the cabinet with his hip. He set the tray on the island, and stood proudly with his hands on his hips as he waited for Angus' reaction.

There was none.

"Uh, sir?"

He looked down. Angus was standing on his tiptoes and was only just at eye-level with the island.

Taako rolled his eyes. "Oh, fer the love of—"

"I gotcha, Ango," Magnus said, rushing in from where he'd been watching from the living room. With a quick and effortless heave, he lifted Angus by his waist and set him on the island. Taako was about to tell him to go sit and spin until he saw the look on Angus' face.

"Sir? I... don't understand."

There were a handful of things on the tray: a single chicken breast (skin on), a bowl of raw green beans, a pair of eggs next to a small cup of flour, and two tiny little dishes containing a dash each of tarragon and rosemary. Alongside these were half-empty salt and pepper shakers, a chef's knife, a fork, and a spoon.

"Why, these are your ingredients, Agnes!" Taako said proudly.

"For what?"

"I don't know!"

Angus and Magnus both stared at him. Taako shrugged and smiled smugly.

"When you're on the road, you don't have a lot to work with. So, you make do with what you've got, and when that stops working, you get creative." He stepped past Magnus to the small pot rack above the stove, and removed a small stock pot, and a frying pan. "There were some days I was lucky to have even this much, so I don't want to hear any whining about it."

"No, sir, of course not!" Angus said quickly. "But... what do I do with it?"

"Cook!" Taako said, setting the pot and pan on the stove. "Magnus, make yourself useful."

Magnus blinked as Taako canted his head towards Angus. As usual, the gears took a few moments to turn, and he quickly stepped out of the kitchen. Magnus returned moments later with an ottoman from the sitting area, and set it on the floor by Angus' feet.

Angus looked confused, and confusion clearly frustrated him. "I'm still not clear on my instructions, sir."

Taako suppressed a sigh and stepped in front of the boy, leaning back against the counter and crossing his arms.

"Think of it this way, Agnes," he said. "I know for a fact that there is at least one good meal to be made with the things in front of you. You just have to figure out what it is. Y'know, like a puzzle, or—"

"A mystery!" gasped Angus, his smile returning.

Taako stared at him.

"Sorry."

"Are we done with the interruptions?"

"Yes, sir. I just got excited is all."

Taako shrugged and pushed away from the counter. "Well, that's all there is to it, kiddo. We'll give you some space."

"Okay!" Angus said, climbing down onto the ottoman while Taako shoved Magnus out into the living room. "How long do I have?"

"As long as I say you have!" Taako said over his shoulder. "So hop to it!"

* * *

 

Magnus had pouted like a spoiled brat when Taako told him they couldn't watch, but he would allow no distractions. He'd practically dragged Magnus away from the counter and forced him to sit on one of the couches by the porthole after threatening to burn a spell slot on him.

And there they'd sat for the past hour. Taako was skimming a book on the history of fashion in Calimshan, and Magnus—god help him—had actually started carving another duck. Or whittling one. Taako was sure he'd get a lecture on the difference between the two if he'd asked, so he didn't.

Every once in a while, he'd catch Magnus glancing over to the kitchen. Taako never did. If asked, he would have said he was engrossed by the story of Syl-Pasha Al-Sargasso and his experiments with semi-ethereal shawls. He'd never in a thousand years admit that he might be the least bit nervous.

There was a commotion, once or twice, that almost cracked his facade—a clatter of metal on the floor, or Angus yelping in pain—but every time Taako would put his hand on Magnus' shoulder and keep it there until he'd leaned back into the couch. At one point, Magnus sniffed and muttered to no one in particular, "Smells good." Taako hummed something that might have been an affirmative, and that was the extent of their conversation.

Eventually, just as Taako's patience was beginning to wear thin, Angus called out, "I'm done!"

Magnus jumped up from his seat and rushed into the kitchen. Taako threw his stupid book over his shoulder and was right behind him.

Angus was sitting on the ottoman. His sleeves were rolled up, and there were stains down the front of his shirt. His cap was gone, his hair was mussed, and he was cleaning his glasses.

"I hope I got it right," he said as he put his glasses back on. "Like you said, I didn't have much to work with, so..."

Magnus loomed over the steaming plate, licking his lips. Taako shoved him to the side and regarded it carefully. "Explain your process," he said calmly.

"Well," Angus began, standing up on the ottoman and putting his elbows on the island, "I knew I couldn't do anything we'd done before, and we'd baked chicken. But we'd done stir-fry on some beef, so I figured I could try it with chicken."

"Hmm." Taako sniffed. Tarragon. Not so much rosemary. "Go on."

"But I had the beans, too, and I needed to use the same pan for both, so... I thought I could fry them both together? But I didn't know if it would work, so I used some water to steam the beans in the pan first."

"Uncovered?"

"No, I used the pot to cover the frying pan. I didn't want to use something you didn't give me."

Taako nodded thoughtfully. "And then?"

"Well, after the beans were done, I took them out and set them aside. Then I took the skin off the chicken and started frying that in the pan."

"Why?"

"Because I needed the oil," Angus said. "And I remember you telling me that's where lots of the fat was. So once I got the oil out, I got rid of the skin and started taking the chicken off the bone."

"How?"

"At first with the knife, then with my hands to get the rest." Angus wiggled his fingers. "I washed them first."

"And then?"

"I beat the eggs with the fork, chopped the chicken up into pieces and mixed those with the flour and the tarragon, then threw them into the pan. I, uh, kind of burned myself. I didn't think the reaction would be so... violent."

Taako clicked his tongue. "Rookie mistake, my boy."

Angus' expression grew pained, but he continued. "I managed to put the pot back on the pan, and waited until it wasn't sizzling so loud. When I took it off, they started to brown, so I kept flipping them over as best I could until it was done."

"What about the rosemary?"

Angus winced. "I... didn't use it. I thought the tarragon smelled better."

Taako hummed a thoroughly neutral sound, and held out his hand. Angus stared for a moment, then quickly reached over, grabbed the fork from the platter, and handed it to him.

"This isn't what I would have made at all," said Taako, stabbing a piece of chicken.

Angus wrung his hands. "O-Oh. Okay."

Magnus, who'd been thankfully quiet this whole time, smacked Taako's bicep with the back of his hand. "Dude."

Taako gave him a look, then stabbed a bean to go with the chicken and stuck them both in his mouth. Too much tarragon, he could tell instantly. Beans were unremarkable. Chicken was a tad burnt.

"Not bad," he said suddenly. "No, not bad at all."

Angus looked up, hopeful. "Sir?"

Taako took a second bite to make sure. After he swallowed, he looked up, considered the flavors for a moment, and nodded solemnly.

"Congratulations, Agnes," he said with a self-satisfied smirk. "You've solved my cooking puzzle."

Angus threw his hands in the air and cheered. Magnus did the same before picking the kid up onto his shoulder. Taako picked up the plate and continued eating while they celebrated—he'd skipped dinner for this, after all.

The truth was, it wasn't great. Wasn't anything close to great, in fact. And it certainly wasn't the most original recipe. But none of that mattered. What mattered was that Taako had given the boy the tools to make one thing, and he'd come up with something entirely different. That, more than any book learning or memorization, showed real promise.

As Magnus got forks from the drawer and everyone crowded around to share the plate, Taako couldn't contain his grin.

_Chicken à la Angus._

Truly, Taako was a genius.


End file.
